1.) MTV’s Guy Code: The show should be renamed how to be a douche bag because that’s exactly who is giving the advice.
Taking advice about being a man from a TV show is a lot like taking financial advice from Bernie Madoff: sure they both sound like they know what they’re talking about. But in reality, you’re being scammed. Badly.
Guy Code doesn’t even cover the fundamentals of being a man like shaving, barbecuing and how to shout disgruntled comments at the TV screen when you watch the news (Obamacare? My ass!). No, Guy Code covers what piercings to get and the pros and cons of living with your girlfriend. First off, any piercing that isn’t from an arrow or sword is not manly. Pierced ears? Not manly. Pierced nipples? Stop talking to me. As far as moving in with your girlfriend goes, here is all you need to know: there are no pros to doing such a thing. It’s all cons. My friend Josh lived with his girlfriend for a year and his entire apartment was covered with his girlfriend’s things and then there was a small corner in the bedroom where a calender hung on the wall and a dog bed was on the floor. They didn’t have a dog and Kristen’s bed was a single. You do the math.
Plus, look at the roster on the Guy panel. Hipster-like comedians, the kid from the Jersey Shore and hot chicks. A couple problems. Hipster comedians are by far the worst people to take manly advice from. They wear too much plaid and their girlfriend’s jeans. They have soft hands and they know too much about 90′s cartoons. These bare-faced, basement trolls are as manly as the musical group WHAM.
Vinny from the Jersey Shore is not the guy to seek advice from. Why? For one, he dresses like a rapper and isn’t a rapper. He’s a momma’s boy from Staten Island who does 100 bicep curls at the gym, spray tans and then does laundry. He lives the life of an elderly cougar.
And hot chicks cannot give advice on being a guy because they’re smelly. And because they’re NOT GUYS! And they can’t be trusted. These women aren’t giving advice, they’re placing an order for what they want men to be! I want a guy who is athletic and has money and isn’t a piece of garbage…This is real life sweetheart. You can’t have all three; pick one and roll the dice.
You want to be a man? Ask your old man for advice. My dad is a hardworking man who knows how to build stuff with his hands, pay bills online and barbecue. You don’t have to be exactly like your dad (my dad also doesn’t know how texting works and has been repeating the same joke he made on our vacation to the Hoover Dam 15 years ago: “Let’s go see the DAM guide to go on the DAM tour! I want to take a DAM family picture! Geez, look at all of these damn mexicans…), but whenever you’re in doubt, ask the big guy. Not MTV.
2.) Losing Weight: When I was playing sports, I needed to be buff and strong to be able to compete at the highest level. I needed to be 225 so I could impose my will onto opponents when I committed blatant fouls on their small frames. I was large and in charge. Fast forward a couple of years and I am larger and not in charge-er. The only sports I play are on a screen and I stopped lifting weights religiously; instead i religiously lifted buckets of chicken and collected fast food punch cards. I punched more tickets than a railroad worker.
Although I am not fat-fat, I’m strong-fat. I’m not Jared pre-Subway fat, more like Jerome Bettis fat; I can’t fit into a size 38″ waist but man can I run a football. But since I have been long retired from organized sports and have hung up the cleats, it’s time to shed some of this baby weight. All 30 pounds of it.
But losing weight is hard. it’s bad enough I have to count calories but now I have to deal with the three different types of people who try to “help” me.
1.) Your Running Buddy: Running buddies suck because running sucks. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a running buddy and should be avoided at all costs. These Prius-driving nimrods will preach to you about the importance of running and giving your vote to Green Party presidential candidate Ralph Nader. “You’ll get a runner’s high, Tim. That is the best feeling in the world!” Runner’s high is known in the medical world as DEHYDRATION, sweetheart. That great feeling you have is called “dying slowly”.
2.) Tough Love Tom: A Tough Love Tom is an ass. This jerk is the one who will publicly announce “Hey Tim, is that your fourth helping of fries? I thought you were trying to lose weight?” And of course you can’t defend yourself because you have a mouth full of fries. This is also the person who will be cutting the birthday cake at a party and when you come up to get your slice of the frosty treat, they’ll reach behind them and give you an apple.
3.) Fat People: These mouth-breathers are the worst of the worst. These people are still fat yet they are giving YOU advice on healthy nutrition and a strong workout regimen as they are being airlifted to the hospital for their second heart attack. They think that just because they used to wrestle in high school or take the stairs that they are qualified trainers, but of course the advice they give you is a useful as a non-Jewish account.
“You can eat anything you want as long as you workout enough”
“The best thing you can do to melt off the fat is to only eat one huge meal a day”
“Eat as much red meat as you can and eat it as rare as you can. Make sure it still has blood on it when you eat it.”
3.) Fantasy Football: I love football. I read every football site, I watch every pre-game show and post-game show and from time-to-time, I will occasionally tackle people to the ground and scream “SACK!”. I also hold the record for the most subpoenas served for assault charges.
But as much as I love football, I Hate fantasy football, even though I am in 23 leagues. Fantasy football sounds like an amazing idea. Build your own team and challenge your carefully built team against other people’s teams and win football games. But when you are in a league with a bunch of newbs, who think soccer should be called football, who pick up all the good players before you do and beat you consistently, it tends to drive me insane. These idiots put their draft on auto-pilot and get guys like Tom Brady and Ray Rice and I get stuck with guys Leonard Hankerson and Danny Amendola. I put in massive amounts of research and develop carefully coordinated draft plans, I write down draft picks I want, replacements if I can’t get them and then replacements if I can’t get the replacements of the players I want. These guys draft Andre Johnson because they couldn’t draft Jerry Rice. I get spanked royally by teams like “The Boners” and “Your Mom goes to college” every week.
Trading is impossible, too. No one wants to trade because I have Brandon-threw-four-interceptions-before-halftime-Wheedon and Jonathan-out-for-the-season-Stewart. I hate myself for joining this stupid league, I hate my stupid friends for inviting me to this stupid league and I hate fantasy football. American football, not that soccer crap.
4.) Political College Students: Whitney Houston once said, “Children are our future”, then she wiped her nose of the snow she just bought (Just because she is dead doesn’t meant that I’m going to ignore the fact she did cocaine. Just because someone dies doesn’t mean they are invincible. Death pun). If that statement is true, then we as a nation are in huge trouble. Why? Just attend any College Republican and College Democrat meeting or political protest or any class that pertains to media, journalism and theater.
I am a libertarian. I read the newspapers and watch news and evaluate everything from both sides. I take pride in researching for facts and when some pot smoking, Dr. Who watching hippie yells out “Fox News lies!” I want to slam my fist in between his blood-shot eyes and break his Aviator glasses. Your indoors, take off the glasses! For those who believe in this hippie’s words, know this. Fox News doesn’t lie. They actual report the news like every news channel in the nation, with bias. CNN is bias. NBC, CBS, ABC; all of them are bias. You know why? Because they are owned by a corporation who has political views of their own. CBS edited the 911 call made by a witness of the Trayvon Martin shooting and made it sound like George Zimmerman was the one at fault. Why? Because CBS is bias. Just like Fox News, just like NBC, just like everyone else.
Political Students live and die by their party, even though I prefer they did the later because I am so tired of them stopping me on my way to skipping class to talk to me about Mitt Romney or Obama.
“Mitt Romney is rich and doesn’t understand the struggles that the middle class has to go through.”
“Did you know Obama is black?”
College students, adults, everyone needs to stop with the door-to-door campaign crap. It’s annoying when the Mormons do it and it’s annoying when political people do it. At least the girl scouts give me cookies when they come to my door. You give me a bunch of bias “facts”. I can’t eat facts or dip them in milk. So stop knocking on my door, stop stopping me in the street and stop calling me at my home.
You want to vote for the next president, inform yourself. Read the damn news and turn off the reality shows. This is important. Don’t rely on the button-wearing psychos to provide you with presidential information. For once in your life, take responsibility.
5.) The Pledge to Stop Texting While Driving: Texting while driving is bad. But taking this pledge is worse.
If you don’t have the will power to put down the phone and take some pledge that you filled out on Facebook, you really need to rethink your life. We’re not talking about pledging to not do meth or refrain from striking your wife, even if she didn’t record the season premiere of Deadliest Catch. We are talking about a pledge to not send a damn text message. A text message. Kids in China cannot stop learning deadly Kung Fu and perform math at a high level and US kids cannot stop sending messages of this caliber:
“hey i luv u”
You know what I struggle with? I cannot stop hating everyone. That’s a problem. It causes me high blood pressure, hair loss and sore throats from yelling at every one of you senseless losers. Should I calm down? Yeah, probably. Should I try to get better every day and eventually work my way up to being a kinder person. Sure, I guess. Should I make a big deal about this and sign a pledge and encourage my friends to sign the pledge as well? No. Because I am not a douche and because I don’t have friends to give the stupid pledge to.