5 Things I Hate Today

1.) Chad Johnson: Chad you gold-mouthed jackass. How could you betray me like this?! Why did you headbutt your wife and screw me in the fantasy football draft?! I was relying on you to make a comeback into this cut-throat league and lead me to fantasy victory. But now I have to watch ESPN report your story for the 45th time in the past hour and research lesser-known wide receivers like Danny Amendola. He’s white and short, Chad. And he doesn’t even have Spanish numbers for a name. And wide receivers like Pierre Garcon. He’s FRENCH, Chad. FRENCH! I am not trying to draft a tennis team or a professional smoking long cigarettes team here. I’m trying to build a real, make-believe football team. And as a young, American college student, that is all I have besides intramural volleyball and Netflix. Thanks. Thanks for not using your head (in the correct way, by thinking!).

2.) Media coverage of Kristen Stewart cheating on Robert Patterson: We have high unemployment, a presidential race and multiple shootings across the country and multiple editors have had to make the tough decision of whether to put the Twilight scandal on Page 1 or, God forbid, Page 2! I don’t care about anyone else’s problems but mine. Your wife filed for divorce? Sorry, I am too busy trying to NOT fart in the elevator at the mall. You lost all of your money in the stock market? Pipe down, I am dealing with money issues of my own: should I buy two filet mignons or three? Why am I buying filet mignon, you ask? I am celebrating not being a moron like you, who bought Blockbuster stock. Blockbuster went bankrupt months ago and you just bought all 5,000 shares of it last week, you deserve this.

So the fact that Media thinks that I would even want to read a HEADLINE about an affair between some chick who looks like a dude and some dude who looks like a gay mop is insulting. I am not a tween. I am not a depressed woman in my thirties or forties. I am a man. Give me box scores and real news that affects me, like the presidential race and ads for low prices on my favorite frozen yogurt place.

3.) Nikki Minaj: If her brain was as big as her ass, maybe she would be able to write a pop song that is not only tolerable, but one that makes sense. “Starships were meant to fly”? No, they were meant for space exploration. And what does the purpose of a starship have to do with your song; which just so happens to endorse not paying rent, smoking mary jane and having sex with total strangers. Or as society calls it, hippie life. That’s what this country needs, more hippies. More people who don’t work, smoke weed and take dumps in the street. The whole country is going to look like Oakland if this song becomes any more popular.

4.) NASA: When are we going to shut down this useless program? NASA is  as important to America as a music program is as important to an ALL-DEAF school. It doesn’t produce anything useful and it doesn’t make deaf kids sing any better. The US spends BILLIONS of money we don’t have to send 7 nerds to the moon so that they can collect moon rocks and confirm to the public that moon is still…the moon. Other countries are building weapons and human-like robots and we are spending all of our money making moon-rock necklaces.

“But we found frozen water on the moon! Which means there could be intelligent life on the moon!”

Because you found ice?! Antarctica is COVERED in ice and there is NO intelligent life up there. And don’t even try to claim that eskimoes are intelligent. They are surrounded by ice; no soil, no vegetation and are being picked off by polar bears and not ONE of them has thought, “Jeez, maybe we should move somewhere a little warmer”.

Spend those billions on the public schools, where the intelligent life is slowly dwindling. You ever been in a public school? There are, like, three kids who know how to spell their name correctly and all the rest of them only know how to sell drugs, compete in dance competitions and hump each other. Soon America will be overpopulated with drug-addicted dancers. Then, the apes will seize their chance to rule.

(The Humans are break dancing! Attack! For the bananas!)

5.) Webster’s Dictionary: If our public schools and moon budget weren’t evidence enough to our imminent demise, check this out. Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary, the book that holds all the words and definitions to the best language in the world, American, has decided to add words such “sexting” and “man cave” into the dictionary. Finally! I now know what all of my friends and the mailman are talking about when they use the word “sexting”.

What the hell MW? Are we just going to throw ANY ol’ word in the dictionary? How about swamp ass? Or fugly? Or upper decker? All of those are words and terms that have been used by our public, why aren’t they in the book yet? The MW committee must have forgotten that they are an ACTUAL dictionary and not Urban Dictionary. You know what? Why doesn’t MW just stop printing their books and throw it up on the World Wide Web and let lacrosseBRO69 edit any word his little date-rapist heart desires? Might as well, since MW is adding in movie titles, like Bucket List. Soon the dictionary will be filled with terms like Wedding Crashers and Money Ball and Back to the Future III.