5 Things I Hate *HALLOWEEN EDITION*

1.) Trick-or-Treaters: Wow, great lesson you’re teaching your kids, parents; if you want something, walk on your neighbors doorstep and demand what you want under the threat of trickery. You know, like what PIRATES do; and if you let your kids act like pirates then don’t get mad at me when I fire at them like pirates. Of course, with my non-existent salary, I cannot afford to attack them with cannon-fire, but I will borrow money to purchase discount fireworks and aim them at your kids under the influence of alcohol. Just like the old days.

Trick-or-treating is not fun anymore because everyone has gotten boring and treats Halloween like a daily routine. Kids ring the door bell and as long as they are dressed in anything but normal clothes (or clean clothes) then they get candy. No jokes, no riddles, nothing. They get rewarded for just showing up, like Ke$ha or the Kardashians.

*Editor’s note: I dare any of you to argue in support of the Kardashians’ success. We ALL know the real reason why they even got a damn reality show and it isn’t because they make crappy clothing lines, if that was the case, then the GAP creators should be in their fifth season by now. Ke$ha is not talented either. Not in her singing voice or her song writing. Her songs are either about partying, not caring about what other people think, drinking in clubs or wanting to take some guy home. That’s not original, that’s called the Pop Genre. If you want a REAL artist or band, I suggest: The Zac Brown Band, My Morning Jacket, Dave Matthews Band, Kenny Chesney, Johnny Cash, Eminem, Jay Z, Frank Sinatra, Bruce Springsteen and Brad Paisley, to name a few. If the artist has roots in Disney, Nickelodeon or the band Nickelback, they are not good.*

Personally, I do not reward candy to lazy comedians. If you don’t have a joke or if you can’t do any impressions then you do not get any candy. I am not sorry kids, that is the way life works around here. If you go to work and tell your boss, “Sorry boss, I don’t have the expense report or some other typical work-like document”, then you don’t get paid. You get fired.

“Ooooh, just give him some candy, you jerk! It’s Halloween!”

Exactly, it’s Halloween. Not “Give any jackass candy day”. That’s why they say “trick-or-treat”, not “treats.” You either need to tell a hilarious joke or cause physical harm to yourself or my liberal neighbors in order to get my candy. You need to make buying all of this candy worth my while, I am not buying candy just to worsen the childhood obesity rate. That’s why I don’t buy bird seed; I’m not paying $5 a bag so some birds can crap all over my car.

2.) Girls who complain about other girls dressing like “hussies”: The girls I am talking about are feminists, nerds and bi—… jerks. These girls are usually dressed as pumpkins or as cartoon characters from some anime cartoon no one has ever heard of and they can be found in a corner of every Halloween party they were somehow invited to. “Oh my God” they say. “The only reason those guys are talking to her is because she is dressed like a slutty (insert female costume: cheerleader, nurse, desk worker at DMV).” No, we talk to these the slutty (insert female costume: librarian, mermaid, community college professor) because she is confident in her appearance and has the confidence to hang with the guys. The fact that we can see through her shirt is just an added bonus.

We’re adults now, the only time you should dress up to be scary is if you’re a parent who resents their children or if you’re Madonna. As adults in college, we use Halloween to do two things: further drive home the point that we are in a relationship by wearing a matching costume with our significant other and two hook up with a slutty (insert female costume: witch, vampire, cafeteria lunch lady). If you’re 18+ and you use Halloween to host horror movie marathons or as an excuse to dance to the Monster Mash, then you need get out more.

Those in glass houses should not throw stones, ladies. Everyone at the party dressed up as something fun, relevant and identifiable. You have to spend five minutes explaining to every person you see that you are supposed to be El Toro, the creature from Pan’s Labyrinth, the weirdo film only YOU have heard of. So instead of spending all of your time complaining about sexy firewomen and telling people “well, if you read the book  you would understand who I am supposed to be”, take off your horns, let your hair down and join the party.

God gave us all our own unique gifts and to hide a pair of gifts  underneath a pumpkin costume would be an insult to God.

3.) Halloween Hoodlums: It’s bad enough we have to pay for their Welfare benefits  in the next couple of years but I will be damned if I have to spend November 1st washing eggs off my windows and scrapping dog crap off of my porch.

Hitting mailboxes and tee-peeing someones property is not fun, it’s destruction of property and trespassing. Awww, trespassing, the PERFECT excuse to shoot someone on site. That’s the only reason why I bought this 18th Century musket; to protect my home from the invading Red Coats and to to shoot preteens who are trying to throw toilet paper on my trees. Toilet paper is not for the birds, it’s for your butts. Just ask any multi-colored Charmin Bear.

My house will be on Terror Alert Red all day today because my next-door neighbors have a dozen kids and every one of those littler tax write-offs has about five friends come over to their house every day. It looks like Peter Pan’s Neverland over there; except instead of fighting pirates and flying, the kids eat glue and make Jackass videos in the backyard.

You want to have fun? Join a football league or burn stuff in your backyard, you wards of the state. Vandals are known as troubled kids by society because they have had a rough life and therefore act like morons because they have no other way to express themselves. Boo-freakin’-hoo. Jackie Robinson had a rough life and he became a Hall-of-Fame baseball player and a pioneer of civil rights in sports. These little prank-pulling bastards live “on the wrong side of the tracks” and all they have to show for their lives is a receipt for damages.

4.) Cops: Normally, I am a friend of the Boys in Blue, but not on this night. For some reason, the cops seem to think that EVERY Halloween party in the suburbs is running a Scarface-like drug operation in the front room. Why else would they send FIVE squad cars to address a NOISE COMPLAINT in a suburb of Springfield, Missouri? In my part of town, there is a murder every other week, rampant meth distribution and circa-1950s street gangs have been dancing and riding their bikes in circles all over town. The last thing these guys need to worry about are 18, 19 and 20 year olds drinking Smirnoff Ices for three hours.

5.) November 1st: I am hungover, I’m dressed in drag and now I have to deal with the reality that Christmas is almost here. It’s a lot like Halloween; except instead of cheap candy given to lazy people you have to go out and buy expensive gifts for lazy people. Lazy people who are related to you no less! 

Halloween is not only a reminder that winter is on the way, but that fall is already here. The weather is changing, the days are shorter and everything is pumpkin flavored. Last time I checked, I was not an Amish pumpkin farmer, I don’t need to try and shove pumpkin into my daily diet. When I am eating buffalo wings, I don’t think to myself, ‘man pumpkin would really compliment these wings’. Pumpkins belong in pie and in the trash after we are finished burning candles in it for a night; that’s it.

November 1st is also the day where I contemplate leaving my Halloween decorations on for another month. I justify leaving the cobwebs up on my house and bushes because “the rain will wash it all off eventually.” I support leaving a dummy hanging from out tree by a noose because it will “send a warning to the neighbors.” Well come on, if your neighbors believe you are a weak household they will slowly kill you every day with small talk and asking to borrow your power tools. Leave that dummy hanging from your tree and you will never have to deal with another conversation that begins with the phrase, “cold out here, huh?”

The only bright spot about November 1st is that all the expired bags of candy in the stores are 90% off. I would gladly chew on a bag of Snickers fun-size bars if that meant I got an expired bag of candy for $1.