5 Things I Hate

1.) Back to school: When I was on winter break, I had to go to work in my hometown. I would wake up early every morning and work for eight hours. Now that I am back at school, I have to do the same thing, but instead I don’t get paid, in fact, it’s quite the opposite.

I hate school. The stuff we learn will NEVER be used in the real world (Why use the Pythagorean Theorem when I can just use a tape measurer?), I have to put up with Professors who enjoy the smell of their own farts and I need to put a down payment on three textbooks. A university is not a place for higher learning; it’s just a more expensive version of the internet.

I don’t know what it is with professors and assigning three months worth of homework the first day of class. It’s the first day, Dr. Turtleneck. We have until May to explore the fascinating world Media Ethics and Responsibility; which is plenty of time for you to take curriculum that could be covered in 15 days and drag it out for 15 weeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the teaching force for all that they do, but for the love of expensive learning, would you all just relax?

Three out of the five teachers I have said that they will never accept late work, even if it’s a minute late. A minute. 60 ****ing seconds is what can prevent someone from getting an A on their homework, which was a paragraph summary over the 60 minute movie you watched last class when Dr. I-Drink-On-School-Nights was too hungover to teach.

And when it comes to tardiness, get off your high horse.When I am five minutes late to class (Because stuff happens; like Die Hard marathons at 2 AM), do not lecture me about being late to class. It’s five minutes Professor Oak, it’s not like I missed anything important. When I walked into the classroom, you were still trying to figure out how to turn on the computer-monitor.

And then when you get back you have to inform all of the people you ignored on Facebook and Twitter about your winter break. It’s just a week-long press conference telling everyone and their mother the one thing you did for a month.

Hey what did you do over winter break?

I worked.

Oh yeah? How was that?

It was awful.

Why?

Because I am an adult. I’m not a 21 year-old child who spends his entire day making lame Facebook statuses about how great snow is. It’s Snow, Numb-Nuts! Not flakes of gold falling from the sky! It’s horrible, horrible snow that all of the kids and unemployed college idiots spend their entire day playing in, rather than shoveling it out of the roadways like the rest of us adults. I had to spread salt FILLED with chemicals, which is probably now in my blood stream and will be the eventual cause of my death at the ripe old age of 35. I had to spread the salt all over the driveways, side walks, streets and freeze outside while you were inside, drinking cocoa and singing “Let it Snow” off-key, like an idiot.

……

2.) Snap Chat: Just another waste of technology and time.

Here is the basic summary of Snap Chat: It’s an app on phones that allow people to send pictures to others. The pictures can only be viewed for ten seconds and then they can never be viewed again.

This has caused everyone to loose their freaking minds.

Every day, I get, on average, five Snap Chat photos a day. The first one is usually from my girlfriend. Her pictures are of hoosiers at the grocery store, what she made for dinner or pictures of herself in different outfits, asking me which one looks best. Humorous, useful, normal photos.

Then I get the other four Snap Chat photos.

All four are from men in college, which already narrows down the photo possibilities……poop. That’s where men are in society, nowadays. Whenever a new invention comes out, men immediately think, “Great, I can use this to display or share the crap I just took.” Men in China and India perform open-heart surgery with limited technology and American men use the highest technology to photograph poop. Just think about that while I get another photo of crap sent to me from someone currently studying to get a Business Degree.

3.) Cold Weather: I live in the great state of Missouri; home to the St. Louis Cardinals, Meramec Caverns and the weather so cold that the Coors Light Silver Bullet Train gets stuck to the tracks whenever it passes through.

Winter is the worst, especially after Christmas. When it’s Christmas time, people love the cold weather. They snuggle close to one another, go ice skating and have weekend bonfires. After Christmas, it’s a winter wasteland; people are mugging each other for warmer clothes, using the blades from the ice skates as weapons and hold nightly police car bonfires.

Then you have to endure the daily morning task of running outside in nothing but your boxers and house slipper to turn on your car so it can be warm by the time you leave for work. As you take a shower, eat breakfast and pray that no one steals your, already-running unlocked car, the inch-thick ice all over your car slowly melts off.

There is nothing to do in cold weather, either. Every try to go bar hopping in the winter? It’s not so much hopping as it is dead-sprinting from bar-to-bar. Why? Because it’s 15 degrees outside and you didn’t wear a coat because no bar has a coat rack and you wanted everyone to see your super-fly, extremely tight, Abercrombie shirt, which you already spilled beer on at the first bar so now you wish you had a coat to cover up the massive, brown stain on your super-fly, extremely frozen in one section of your chest, Abercrombie shirt, which isn’t helping you attract any single ladies because now all of your friends have given you the nickname “Poop Chest” and if history has taught us anything, it’s that women do not want to go home with the “Poop Chest” guy.

4.) Weddings: I am one of six kids and one of about 50 first cousins. I have been to many weddings and each one I have gone to is worse than the one before it.

For starters, the weddings is always on a Saturday; which is the biggest day of the week in the Sports World. Saturdays in the Spring are for March Madness, NBA Playoffs and NHL Playoffs. Saturdays in the Summer are for NBA Finals and marquee MLB games. Fall Saturdays are for College Football and Winter Saturdays are for College Bowl Games, NHL games, NBA games and NFL playoff games.

Instead of watching ALL of that action, I am stuck in a muggy, B.O.-ridden church trying to listen to two people studder and fumble over their marriage vows. Of course, I cannot check the scores on my phone in church because Mom says that it’s frowned upon in the Christian community.

Sure, we all praise Abraham for almost killing his own son Isaac, but if I check the score of the Cardinals game, I’M the bad guy.

Then after Mass, we shuffle into the dining hall for free food and alcohol, which isn’t all bad; but it’s WHERE I eat and drink that helps fuel my hatred of weddings. Every couple that has ever been married in my family seats me at the Children’s Table. Every. Single. Wedding.

For four weddings, I was the only person at my table in high school. For three weddings, I was the only person in college. For two weddings, I was the only person who was legally allowed to drink. I haven’t had a conversation with anyone older than a 10 year-old in nine weddings, which, if you think about it, is pretty creepy.

But Tim, weddings are for hitting on women and snagging a few phone numbers.

Nope. I am related to 99% of all the women in the wedding; and since we don’t live in a meth-infested town of the South, I’ll just hit the bar, thanks.

5.) The View: Good God, what a waste of programming. 

If you haven’t seen The View, consider yourself lucky. If you have, you know that it’s five  women sitting around on a couch  talking about the hot topics in politics and pop culture with the intelligence level ranging from experienced journalist (Barbara Walters) to a rock (Sherri Shepard).

For those of you rushing to Sherri’s aid, watch this clip and listen to what Sherri has to say about the shape of the Earth. The round, circular, Earth.

Good Lord, Sherri.

Besides Sherri staring at shiny objects for most of the show, Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar make this show unbearable. Whoopi, who is best known for her great work in the Sister Act and for wearing a giant pile of dead tarantulas on her head, is the biggest hypocrite when it comes to racism.

First she will say something racist:

And then lecture in disgust about the absurdity of saying anything remotely racist:

And Joy Behar, who is known for her easily forgettable work as a stand up comedian (Don’t worry, she didn’t know she was one either, based on her jokes) is her partner in crime; saying completely absurd things, believing them to be true. What’s that called? Oh yeah, ignorant.

According to the Examiner.com, Joy once said that the Republican Party has not been historically “black-friendly over the many centuries” in America. Then Elizabeth Hasselback asked her, “Should we begin with Lincoln?”

Look, I am a firm believer in the phrase, “To each his own.” If you have a different opinion than mine, I will not hold that against you. But what I will hold against you is your lack of knowledge when speaking on a subject. You’re not stupid for not knowing, you’re stupid for having the tools to find and learn that information and refusing to use them.

Remember to leave a comment and follow me on Twitter @MrTimGodfrey

Or don’t; see if I care…………please follow me