Jogging (Pronounced Y-ogging)
June 12, 2013 1 Comment
(Tim Godfrey, Soon-to-be a former Fat Guy)
Jogging, like The Kings of Leon, is something that I have been trying to get into, but for the life of me, I just can’t do it; because both of those things are just……well, just awful.
Seriously? The Kings of Leon, America? Some idiot and his group of hipster hoodlums belt out a mediocre tune about fire sex and suddenly they are deemed kings of a Leon? Their band is so awful even a bird took it upon himself to take a crap in the lead singers mouth to prevent him from singing.
Unfortunately I cannot refuse the dull lure of jogging because if I don’t continue to jog, I will continue to gain weight, lose a foot and take over as the new spokesman for Diabetes; unseating Wilford Brimley, the king of high blood sugar and mustaches.
It has been a week and a half and I have been jogging seven times. Seven times I have waddled at an accelerated pace to the tunes of hip-hop’s finest while oncoming cars pass me on the street and stare at me. Why do they stare? Well, probably because it’s not every day they get to see someone with fogged over eyes cough up blood while he stumbles over his two left feet at an amazingly fast speed of three miles-an-hour.
To answer your next question; yes, I am out of shape. Actually, that’s a bit of an understatement. Saying that I’m “out of shape” is like saying Kurt Cobain was “feeling bummed out”.
On second thought, I guess you could say I am a shape. Unfortunately for me, that shape is a fat square.
Tim jogging is a wonderful thing. It gives you free time to think and makes you feel good.
Trust me, jogging does not help me think. The only thought that has ever entered my head when I jog is, “God, I cannot wait to stop jogging.” Nor does jogging make me feel good; after every jog, I’ve collapsed in front of my house due to the sheering pain in my shins due to shin splints.
Shin splints are the worst. Imagine someone taking two bamboo spears, ramming them down the sides of your legs and then trying to jog afterwards. Boom, shin splints in a nut shell.
You should register for a marathon or half-marathon! Having a goal makes jogging more fun!
That’s a pretty awful plan.
“Hey, you know that thing you hate doing so much? Well, you should plan on doing that thing five months from now for an entire ****ing day. That way, it’ll make that thing you hate doing so much more fun!”
I never got why anyone would want to run 26.2 miles. An entire day spent on running 26.2 miles and at the end of the race, you get a sticker that you get to stick on the back window of your car that reads “26.2″, which basically says to the drivers behind you, “I wasted an entire Saturday”. 13.1 mile stickers say, “I wasted half a Saturday”.
But for now, I’ll continue to jog 2-3 miles at a time and slowly chip away at my fat square shape so by July I’ll be a husky square.